Comments on: The Hard Sell (Short Story) http://www.ruzkin.com Chris Hayes-Kossmann writes his way to publication... or DOOM. Mon, 06 Sep 2010 12:58:50 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Andy Simmons http://www.ruzkin.com/?page_id=43&cpage=1#comment-50 Andy Simmons Mon, 17 Nov 2008 01:26:18 +0000 http://ruzkin.wordpress.com/?page_id=43#comment-50 What I was going to say has already been said and better, but I still felt I had to share my praise and tell you that I loved it. Your writing reminded me of Fight Club before the references came along, and although Chuck is my favourite author and Fight Club my favourite movie, the references are used maybe a little too much. Other than that it was a very creative piece of work, with remarkable attention to detail and most of the characters being really brought to life (I say most due to reasons already noted by Simon). I will read more of your blog when it isn't half one in the morning. What I was going to say has already been said and better, but I still felt I had to share my praise and tell you that I loved it.

Your writing reminded me of Fight Club before the references came along, and although Chuck is my favourite author and Fight Club my favourite movie, the references are used maybe a little too much.

Other than that it was a very creative piece of work, with remarkable attention to detail and most of the characters being really brought to life (I say most due to reasons already noted by Simon).

I will read more of your blog when it isn't half one in the morning.

]]> By: Simon kaldy http://www.ruzkin.com/?page_id=43&cpage=1#comment-53 Simon kaldy Fri, 12 Sep 2008 10:07:29 +0000 http://ruzkin.wordpress.com/?page_id=43#comment-53 Hey Ruz, I know I am coming in way to late on this but I hope the feedback helps. Yep, when you get around to, it get rid of a thousand words. I reckon this is one of those stories you put away for a few years and come back to. Whose story was it? The protagonist kept changing for me from the Narrator and his journey of self discovery to Seb and the confirmation of her inner strength. One of the problems for me was she remained static. I saw no change in her. There is depth and complexity to the themes you're exploring, but the messages needs to be tighter. There was a cool manifesto in there with the meme stuff. That was VERY nice. Having not seen Fight Club I can't comment on the analogy there, but there was a feel of Heart of Darkness, with the narrator taking on a Marlow role and Five that of Kurtz. Characters Voda's pathetically teenaged perspective is nicely done. (except Seb TELLS us stuff about him at the end that you should have SHOWN through the story) Phelps' being conflicted by his dualism, is brilliant! especially as it is informed by such pure motives (which cannot be said of either Five or Voda, whose self-meaning is completely informed by their membership of the group) Suggestions. Make Five more eccentric/mad/domineering/unwilling to let go of his control. Show more of Sebs depth and vulnerabilities and write in a change for her. How does the narrator during this brief interaction with Seb strengthen her? In that first cafe conversation about 'hate' maybe get her to verbally character-assassinate the narrator and his choices as a 'sell-out' to set up more of a tension between them, which you can then resolve as the story progresses. Hey Ruz,

I know I am coming in way to late on this but I hope the feedback helps. Yep, when you get around to, it get rid of a thousand words. I reckon this is one of those stories you put away for a few years and come back to.

Whose story was it? The protagonist kept changing for me from the Narrator and his journey of self discovery to Seb and the confirmation of her inner strength. One of the problems for me was she remained static. I saw no change in her.

There is depth and complexity to the themes you're exploring, but the messages needs to be tighter. There was a cool manifesto in there with the meme stuff. That was VERY nice.

Having not seen Fight Club I can't comment on the analogy there, but there was a feel of Heart of Darkness, with the narrator taking on a Marlow role and Five that of Kurtz.

Characters
Voda's pathetically teenaged perspective is nicely done. (except Seb TELLS us stuff about him at the end that you should have SHOWN through the story)
Phelps' being conflicted by his dualism, is brilliant! especially as it is informed by such pure motives (which cannot be said of either Five or Voda, whose self-meaning is completely informed by their membership of the group)

Suggestions. Make Five more eccentric/mad/domineering/unwilling to let go of his control.

Show more of Sebs depth and vulnerabilities and write in a change for her. How does the narrator during this brief interaction with Seb strengthen her? In that first cafe conversation about 'hate' maybe get her to verbally character-assassinate the narrator and his choices as a 'sell-out' to set up more of a tension between them, which you can then resolve as the story progresses.

]]> By: ruzkin http://www.ruzkin.com/?page_id=43&cpage=1#comment-52 ruzkin Thu, 29 May 2008 10:34:28 +0000 http://ruzkin.wordpress.com/?page_id=43#comment-52 Hi Toby. Really appreciate the feedback, and I'll make use of it all when I do a final edit. Thanks tons for your time, and if there's any more in-depth advice you could provide, it would be fantastic. Hi Toby. Really appreciate the feedback, and I'll make use of it all when I do a final edit. Thanks tons for your time, and if there's any more in-depth advice you could provide, it would be fantastic.

]]> By: Toby http://www.ruzkin.com/?page_id=43&cpage=1#comment-51 Toby Thu, 29 May 2008 09:03:05 +0000 http://ruzkin.wordpress.com/?page_id=43#comment-51 Well you had me hooked. It did feel Palanukian if that makes any sense. Don't know that I can be harsh with feedback, your writing interesting. I enjoyed your characters and how you made each person feel quite real. The only way I can give you real criticism was if this was my own work, and well that's not the case. You obviously don't need another person Saying it's "interesting" so here's me being blunt(As possible). Your attention to detail is superb I truly felt like I was the protagonist. I wanted to know more about Seb and maybe that's because you were going for the Fight Club thing but her character just doesn't feel solid enough. You have Seb alot of little parts while it felt like I had to endure too much of Voda. Although an interesting character, just felt like more of the same you'd see in any angry teen who didn't grow up. It's killing me to right these slights against such a well composed piece. Last bit, you're story seems to ease up on the the descriptive details as the story moves on. I don't know if it was cut or just edited but your descriptive details bring out the story more and keep it interesting. The ending was fine too but again felt cut short. If you want any more obtuse comments please feel free to contact me. If I were grading this I would give it an 8/10 because I feel like the story just needs more of you in it. The cops coming also could use a little more detail as you said he had his friends taken. Well as I said give me a line. Well you had me hooked. It did feel Palanukian if that makes any sense. Don't know that I can be harsh with feedback, your writing interesting. I enjoyed your characters and how you made each person feel quite real. The only way I can give you real criticism was if this was my own work, and well that's not the case. You obviously don't need another person Saying it's "interesting" so here's me being blunt(As possible). Your attention to detail is superb I truly felt like I was the protagonist. I wanted to know more about Seb and maybe that's because you were going for the Fight Club thing but her character just doesn't feel solid enough. You have Seb alot of little parts while it felt like I had to endure too much of Voda. Although an interesting character, just felt like more of the same you'd see in any angry teen who didn't grow up. It's killing me to right these slights against such a well composed piece. Last bit, you're story seems to ease up on the the descriptive details as the story moves on. I don't know if it was cut or just edited but your descriptive details bring out the story more and keep it interesting. The ending was fine too but again felt cut short. If you want any more obtuse comments please feel free to contact me. If I were grading this I would give it an 8/10 because I feel like the story just needs more of you in it. The cops coming also could use a little more detail as you said he had his friends taken. Well as I said give me a line.

]]> By: Andy http://www.ruzkin.com/?page_id=43&cpage=1#comment-49 Andy Sat, 10 May 2008 04:01:19 +0000 http://ruzkin.wordpress.com/?page_id=43#comment-49 The ongoing reference to Fight Club and Brad Pitt/Tyler Durden intrigues me, too. You're sort of propagating Palahniuk's message indirectly; though at the same time, I'm left to wonder if there isn't a modicum of hypocrisy in using that movie as a reference. Hollywood is one of the biggest pushers of The Corporate Message... surely we can't all love that movie, and simultaneously ignore the fact that the same studios making it make all sorts of other garbage, use product placement, etc... But then, how else do you push a anti-corporate-evil message like that to the masses? Mmmmmmm. The ongoing reference to Fight Club and Brad Pitt/Tyler Durden intrigues me, too. You're sort of propagating Palahniuk's message indirectly; though at the same time, I'm left to wonder if there isn't a modicum of hypocrisy in using that movie as a reference.

Hollywood is one of the biggest pushers of The Corporate Message... surely we can't all love that movie, and simultaneously ignore the fact that the same studios making it make all sorts of other garbage, use product placement, etc...

But then, how else do you push a anti-corporate-evil message like that to the masses?

Mmmmmmm.

]]> By: The Hard Sell (Short Story, 12,000 Words) « Scribbles & Dreams http://www.ruzkin.com/?page_id=43&cpage=1#comment-48 The Hard Sell (Short Story, 12,000 Words) « Scribbles & Dreams Fri, 09 May 2008 12:44:21 +0000 http://ruzkin.wordpress.com/?page_id=43#comment-48 [...] I’ve given the story its own page, just because it’s so large. Hopefully a second draft will knock off a few thousand words. I’d love some harsh feedback on this one. Did you learn anything when you got to the end? CLICK HERE FOR “THE HARD SELL” [...] [...] I’ve given the story its own page, just because it’s so large. Hopefully a second draft will knock off a few thousand words. I’d love some harsh feedback on this one. Did you learn anything when you got to the end? CLICK HERE FOR “THE HARD SELL” [...]

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